We have Potato-napped your precious Spud and are holding him in an undisclosed location. He has not been harmed, but will be if our demands are not carried out to the letter. If you fail, we will begin mailing Spud's body back to you in pieces.
Even after complying with the demands of the terrorists, they attempted cannibalistic torture. Another communiqué stated:
You have passed the first test. Judging by your web page, you have made more noise over the incident than we had wished, but this is of little consequence as your pathetic squeals for help fall on deaf ears.
We have attached a picture with this message that proves Spud is still alive, for the time being. As an additional measure of good faith on our part, we have allowed your pathetic vegetable to indulge in a diet of his own kind - FRENCH FRIED POTATOES!! Your beloved tuber has become a cannibal!
Unbeknownst to these heathens, Spud managed to foil the terrorists attempt at cannibalistic torture. The foolish kidnappers were feeding the tuber a famous restaurant chain's fries, which Spud knew contained nothing resembling potato product what-so-ever. But the evil spudnappers were not through yet.
Our position was given away with all of the potato's screaming in hopes of being discovered. We put an end to his useless yammerings with a little 'bondage' routine we picked up in Iran in 1980. The potato was also moved discreetly to another, more secretive location.
As punishment, we have begun torturing the potato by pulling his body parts off and re-attaching them - while he is still conscious and without a sedative. A picture would have been sent, but we thought that your young and squeamish may have gotten sick. We have not determined a ransom at this point as this torture is enough fun on its own for the time being.
Even with the network of INTERPOL at work on a massive potato hunt of the Orient, it was Spud himself, that finally managed to escape his confines and flee with the majority of his body parts intact!