St. Maarten / St. Martin
Spud traveled to the Caribbean 'island with two names' as a result of winning a (now defunct) Toronto radio station's contest. The prize was a week-long virtually all-inclusive stay at the finest hotel in the Netherlands Antilles. This was the first time the potato had ever made it to the tropics and he capitalized on the opportunity!
When
the news spread of Spud's pending arrival, the locals gathered at the
Juliana Airport and swarmed the tuber hoping to get a glimpse of the famed
icon. To appease his followers, Spud held a press conference where he
took the opportunity to address them. The group responded with cheers
and applause as they followed the intrepid traveler out of the airport
and to his hotel. Once in the safety of his suite at the Maho Beach Hotel
& Resort, Spud realized he had been stripped of his wallet! No Fear
though; as his prize had included spending money in the form of travelers
cheques!
The
lure of the Caribbean sun and it's beautiful turquoise water beckoned
Spud to explore the beaches around the island. St. Maarten is a haven
for miles of quiet secluded beaches, but that's what Spud didn't want.
Nope, he wanted to see some skin!! The tuber wasted no time in heading
for the French side of the island to the popular nude beach at Orient
Bay!
The beach was ripe with nude bodies frolicking around. Unfortunately, the bodies that were nude should have been covered up and those that had bathing suits on, should have been in the raw! Spud elected not to wear his Speedo and baked himself under the equatorial sun with a cool drink at hand.
Being
surrounded by the crystal clear waters famous to the area, the traveler
got the insatiable urge to explore it's undersea world. Unable to find
scuba gear small enough to fit him, Spud grew discouraged that this part
of the world would remain elusive. After telling his woes to some locals
he met in Cole Bay, they reminded the potato that he was an inanimate
object and didn't need any equipment! Jubilant at the realization, he
chartered a dive boat and head out to a reef in Cay Bay where he explored
the aquatic wonders of the deep.
The
sea life he saw was incredible, and he rushed back to the resort to share
his adventures. He found many of the hotel's guests at the popular swim-up
pool bar. It had become a favourite haunt of Spud since discovering the
island's famous local drinks; the Guavaberry Colada and the Brain Eraser.
The night was filled with drinks and tales. The morning was filled with
Pepto Bismol and praying to the porcelain alter…
Carrying a throbbing head and bloodshot plastic eyes, Spud mustered up enough strength to explore some more of the island. While aboard one of the local buses (which doubled for transporting fertilizer) he saw in the hills near Pic Paradis something that looked like Mayan ruins. Being a history buff, he jumped off and proceeded up the mountainside to see more. After a short clamour through the overgrown brush of the slope, he spotted a large Mayan head. The immense stonework was decorated with an intricate painted design that beckoned closer inspection. Spud scampered up the rock face to see the ancient work up close. The statue roared to life and lashed out at the orb with its hungry jowls snaring Spud's arm in the process! He wriggled and squirmed for his life as he screamed for help! Twisting and turning, he fought to break free of the death grasp.
The
statue flinched and finally the tubers arm broke free; plummeting Spud
to the ground. The immense stonework called out to Spud that he was only
wanting to 'invite' him to visit one of the local time-share resorts.
Frazzled by the incident and fearing for his safety, Spud fled down the
hillside. The persistent head continued to bark out the details of his
'no-obligation' offer as the tater disappeared from sight.
Despondent, broke, sunburnt and hung over, Spud knew his vacation had come to a close.