Spud's
quest for his roots
Ever since 1985 when Spud wandered into Calgary, Alberta dazed with amnesia, he has always wondered about his forgotten past. Nightmares would constantly plague the tuber as he struggled to piece together the broken visions of his prior life.
Most important to Spud was to find evidence of his lineage that would lead him to his parents. His big break came when he encountered part of a discarded package that had a picture of a Potato on it. The Potato had an uncanny likeness to Spud; sporting a brilliant smile and a radiating bloodshot nose. Just beneath the picture was the tater's address: a place called Pawtucket, Rhode Island. Eager with the anticipation of finally meeting his parents, Spud wasted no time in arranging for the next flight to the tiny New England town.
Shortly after arriving, Spud jumped into a taxi and handed the driver the address on the torn box. The fellow looked at the address and soon deposited Spud in front of a large brick building emblazoned with the name HASBRO™. "That's where you'll find Mr. Potato Head" he exclaimed.
Spud leaped from the cab and ran to the entrance. He looked up with shock and amazement at a six foot high potato stationed at the doorway. The potato looked exactly like the one on the package Spud had. "Daddy!" Spud bellowed as he ran up to greet the immense yam. The giant tuber remained motionless and upon further inspection, Spud discovered it was nothing more than a fiberglass statue. Undaunted, Spud was convinced his father was inside the building and that the statue must have been a monument to his greatness.
Getting inside the building would prove to be difficult. Whatever was inside these walls must have been important as the entire compound was surrounded by miniature military men dressed in battle fatigues and outfitted with heavy weaponry. While the artillery varied, each of the 200+ G.I.'s each bore an uncanny likeness to one another. Even more bizarre was the fact that each seemed to be named 'Joe'.
With this type of security, Spud thought that his father was probably a diplomat, or a powerful world leader. Walking around the complex, Spud looked for an alternate entrance to sneak in past the guards. Equally peculiar to the similarity of the gun toting soldiers was the fact that the entire parking lot was filled with big yellow dump trucks; each identical to the next. The tuber grew somewhat uneasy with these coincidences, yet more and more intrigued with what was behind the big brick walls of this HASBRO™ building. The tater spotted a small vent on the side of the building and seized his opportunity to climb inside.
Inside
the hallowed halls of the complex Spud found an army of white coated laboratory
technicians scurrying back and forth with schematic diagrams and clipboards
in hand. Careful not to be discovered, Spud tossed on a lab coat.
Inside he was horrified to find the room
was filled with potatoes - each looking exactly like Spud! Hundreds of
machinists were cranking out tuber clones from immense machines called
EZ Bake Ovens! No wonder all the soldiers looked alike - Hasbro
was practicing genetic DNA cloning!
On the wall the tuber noticed a huge portrait of the Potato with a nameplate at the base which read: Mr. Potato Head, Director of Hasbro™ and Ambassador of Rhode Island. His father was the ring leader of this operation!!
Suddenly Spud was grabbed from behind by a giant white hand. Looking back in terror, he saw that the hand belonged to another giant Mr Potato Head. The immense yam looked at the terrorized tater and bellowed "What are you doing here?"
Spud screamed back in protest at the steroid-induced potato, demanding to be let go, but the mammoth hand only gripped tighter. Eager to escape the clutches, Spud squeezed out a butter pat from his rear compartment and squirted out of the giant fist. Fearing for his life, Spud grabbed a large Super Soaker water gun and blasted the behemoth side dish before bolting for the exit and past the battalion of soldiers.
So much for exploring his roots back to his parents. The less Spud knew of his past the better!
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