Guns, Beer, Cheese & Deer
Spud sat at his computer one day and was scrolling through his countless travel tips submitted by his fans. The potato had always appreciated the time people spent to write him and the warm and friendly invites they extended for the tater to visit.
One theme became apparent as the tuber read the emails...Spud had never spent much time visiting the mid west of the US. The tato glanced up at his map of places he's been and noted that there was truth to this claim. He had spent a great deal of time in the South, West and Eastern states, and all across Canada, but the mid West had been all but forgotten about. It was time to change that and the potato jumped in his car and headed off to Wisconsin and America's heartland.
The tato did not know much about the state, but the tips he was given seemed to offer the sites that were right up the tuber's alley. First stop was Green Bay, who the locals are quick to embrace the fact that the small blue collar town is the "Toilet Paper capital of the World". A 2 ply leaflet from the Tourism and Convention bureau proudly announces their claim as being the largest producer of the tiny perforated squares. Normally this would be more than enough to attract hordes of tourists, but Wisconsin offered so much more.
The state also makes claim to being the Beer capital of the US, boasting some of the country's largest breweries. Spud learned that the state's beer heritage stemmed back to the early 1800s. In fact, when the city of Chicago had its great fire in 1871 and its water supply was knocked out, the breweries of nearby Milwaukee helped keep the locals hydrated until the city could restore its infrastructure. Today, Milwaukee continues to play its part in keeping Wisconsonites a little 'glassy-eyed'.
One must have balance, and Wisconsin balances their beer intake with another popular beverage - milk. The State is known as America's dairyland and rightly so, as dairy farmers supply over 13% of the entire US milk supply. Spud visited one of the nearby dairy farms and was surprised to find that the Conservative mid west farmers were actually very liberal in their thinking. He found that of the 1.3 million cows in Wisconsin, 30% were homo, 15% were half and half and the rest were straight.
One of Wisconsin's biggest attractions was the tater's next stop on his itinerary: The Freshwater Fishing Hall of Fame and Museum, located in the sleepy hamlet of Hayward. The museum's curator pointed out to Spud that the state has almost 27000 miles of Streams and Rivers with some of the best fishing anywhere. Since angling is so popular, the locals deemed it necessary to build a temple in which to worship their finned freinds. That temple came in the shape of a 4 1/2 story giant muskie which they inventively constructed a museum within its innards.
The tato entered the museum through the fish's rear entrance, which in itself was a tad unsettling. Spud soon realized that although building a fishing museum inside a fish seemed like a cool idea, the sticky floor and the fact that the pancreas obscured many of the displays, proved that its design was not very well thought out.
Spud wondered what the locals do when the fishing season is over. Well it turns out that they grab their rifles, a few cases of beer and a wheel or two of cheese & head north to go hunting. After getting well liquored up, they each don a wedge of their favourite fromage and place it on their head. They claim it attracts deer while at the same time providing a wholesome snack.
One would think that with all that beer being consumed, the deer would have a pretty good chance against the havarty hunters. Unfortunately, American beer is more water than alcohol, so some of the deer will wind up living out eternity mounted on a plywood panel wall in someone's basement
Spud was trapsing through the heavily wooded forest near Manitowish Waters and recognized an elderly man decked out in camouflage coveralls with a fluorescent orange belt. The potato's eyes widened when he realized it was none other than Vice President Dick Cheney with a block of limburger on his head, a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and a Remington in the other. Needless to say, Spud hightailed it out of there before Cheney filled him full of lead
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