Spud hooks himself up to the aura reader

While Spud was travelling on his Asian Invasion in 2005, he found himself nearby the tiny nation of Singapore where he had once been back in 1998. His experience back then wasn't the most pleasant, however he decided to make a return trip in the hopes that time would heal all wounds.

The tater arrived by plane and was welcomed by a bright blue sky and a friendly taxi driver who whisked him into town and to the posh Fullerton Hotel. Excellent weather, excellent service and primo accommodations - things were looking up.

After unpacking, the potato strolled along the Singapore River and took in some of the sights and history of the city which was a major trading centre for the Arabs, India, China and the Far East extending back to the 14th century. Today, Singapore has the busiest port in the world for trade and the town continues to bristle with energy and commerce, while melding the influences of each of these diverse cultures.

Although things seemed to be going well, unfortunately, Spud could not shake his deep seated fear of being kidnapped again. As he entered a busy marketplace, he noticed a sign in the window of a small shop that offered spiritual cleansing. Longing for some relief from these thoughts that had tormented him for years, the potato entered the store.

Inside, Spud met a Tibetan clairvoyant who listened to Spud's plight. The woman was convinced that Spud's chakra needed healing and that the true source of all his problems would be revealed with an aura reading. The woman took the tater into a small room in the back of the shop and hooked the carbohydrate up to a small box that pulsed when he inserted his rubber finger into the slot. The tater was told to stare at a special camera that was mounted on the top of a television monitor and to stay perfectly still.

The camera scanned the tuber from head to toe and then from side to side. Moments later, the monitor displayed an ethereal glow around the potato - it was Spud's aura; a spiritual kaleidoscope that surrounded his being. The clairvoyant mentioned that the different colours of the aura revealed unique things about Spud:

She told him that he had a 'hollow' personality...that some referred to him as being 'plastic', and he rarely (if ever) showed emotion. The reader also said that Spud kept too much inside and that needed to change. Somewhat taken back by the results, the potato opened his rear compartment and removed an arm, a pair of shoes and a couple of noses. Hopefully that would help improve his aura...

Some think it looks like the eyes of a fly, however Spud knows that Singapore's Esplanade - Theatres on the Bay is a monument to Dorren the DurianA few minutes later, Spud was outside of the shop feeling somewhat worse than before he went in for 'healing'. At least he knew what the root of his problems were, and he vowed to work on improving them.

The tato thought back to his last visit and remembered how he had treated Doreen the Durian, whom he had a brief fling with. It was true that he had lacked emotion in their relationship, having broken things off after only a short time, just because she was 'different'. Knowing that he had to work on improving his many shortfalls that the aura reading had exposed, he decided to seek her out and try to patch things up.

As luck would have it, Doreen had made millions from buying and selling dot.com stocks during the market boom in 1999. She decided to invest the cash into developing a grand building in her likeness: the Esplanade on Marina Bay, lovingly dubbed the 'Durian Dome' by the local Singaporeans when it opened in 2002. Sure, it may be a monument to self indulgence, but it does actually serve a purpose in the community. The immense structure with its unmistakable prickly glass roof line is home to the island nation's performing arts, boasting a world class concert hall and theatre..

Had this dramatic wealth changed his past love? Would she even give our beloved potato the time of day? Spud felt he surely must try, so he entered the enormous glass doors of the building and searched for her office.

The strong, pungent aroma of Durian (picture raw sewage sweetened with a hint rotten egg and a sprinkling of aged Pampers) blasted the potato as he pulled the door open. The freshly painted walls bubbled as if each pigment of paint were in a mass exodus to flee the relentless stench common to the exotic fruit.

The tuber removed his nose and continued down the hallway to where a thick green cloud had accumulated. As if it were a dream, the silhouette of an enormous, spiny fruit emerged from the vapour. It was his love....

I can see why the Merlion is constantly spewing - he must have just eaten a Durian...anyone for some breath mints?Spud reached for her hand and pulled his brambly beloved close in a passionate embrace. Forgetting how barbed her bosom was, the potato let out a piercing yelp of pain as her points pierced the potato's tender skin. Doreen was touched by the return of her carbohydrate Casanova and planted a juicy wet one on the tato's lips.

The taste of her lips was like chewing on a urinal cake, and Spud tried frantically to pull away. Finally succeeding in breaking loose from the liplock, the tater ripped out his mouth and tossed it into a bin for hazardous waste. Forget the self improvement - Spud wasn't about to settle down with a life of this just to improve his aura!

The potato turned and fled the building and to the sanctuary of Singapore's clean air. The tater followed the pathway along the riverside to the mouth of the Singapore river. There he came across Singapore's symbol: the Merlion

The Merlion is a, 8.6 metre (28 foot) bizarre statue of a half lion, half mermaid. The body of the Merlion is made of cement fondue, the skin from porcelain plates and eyes from small red teacups. The whole mammoth beast weighs in at a whopping 70 tonnes. This peculiar looking creation has been the symbol of Singapore since the mid 1960's. Spud pondered the icon a bit closer: Half Lion...half fish...that must have been one strange mating ritual..

The Merlion spews continuously into the riverside - obviously after having recently dined on Durian...

Even though Spud replaced his mouth with a spare, his breath could still melt steel. In an effort to kill the germs, he pulled out a couple of chiclets of gum and popped them into his mouth. Before he was able to sink his teeth in, he was wrestled to the ground by a team of Singaporean police. Turns out that chewing gum is illegal in Singapore

The authorities proceeded to search the potato and discovered an entire pack of the chewables inside his body cavity. They immediately charged him with possession with the intent of trafficking.

To escape incarceration, Spud was deported.



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