Bimbos
and Jell-o!
Spud looked in horror at his bank book one day. His balance was dangerously near $0 and with the thought of his travel budget drying up, the potato knew that he had to resort to radical measures to replenish his stock pile.
That opportunity came when he was watching the hard-hitting news program, EXTRA!
They featured a story on bombshell model Anna Nicole Smith who had recently passed away. Spud fell saddened by the news as the two had a special relationship years earlier. The potato had arrived on her plate when she ordered room service at a swanky hotel in London, and the model saved Spud from an almost certain demise by gorging herself in Cheetos from the Mini Bar instead.
Spud knew that Smith was an heir to the fortune left behind by billionaire Texas oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II. Although the money was tied up in litigation, eventually there would be a settlement coming and it would be millions. With Smith's untimely death however, it meant that her only surviving relative would become the beneficiary. That came in the form of her newborn baby girl. This came as a second surprise to the Potato, as the child's age meant that she would have been conceived artound the same time as Spud and Anna Nicole were together. Could this young innocent child be Spud's offspring?
Spud gasped at the thought of it... then he thought of the inheritance. Yowza! If this was in fact Spud's child, then the tuber's money woes would be gone forever!
The tato jumped into his car and sped off to a clinic in New York City, where the legal proceedings regarding the custody of the child were happening.
When the tato arrived, the tater learned that there were three other men all claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole's child. The only way to resolve the issue was for the entire group to have a DNA test to determine paternity. With the sensational subject matter, a media circus had ensued with hack reporters and photographers from all over the globe vying to be the first to break the custody results to the world.
Spud pushed past the media mob and entered the Manhattan clinic where the tests would be performed. A nurse tried to extract blood from the tuber, but was unsuccesful, yielding only a small amount of water from the potato and no blood. The nurse then tried to swab the inside of the tato's mouth, but the q-tip wouldn't fit in the tiny hole iwhere his mouth is inserted. Try as she might, she was unable to extract any DNA from the side dish. Without a DNA confirmation, Spud was ruled against by the courts. There would be no instant fortune.
As
Spud left the clinic, he was met at the door by pop princess Britney Spears.
The sexy star had been stalking Spud for months and had learned of his
whereabouts from the television coverage of the trial. Spears had always
had a passion for hollow-headed males, evidenced by her marriage to Kevin
Federline, that rumour had it that she had dumped her husband to pursue
our globe trotting tuber.
Spud had tried to avoid the unbalaced pop icon for months by keeping a low profile, but now the cat was out of the bag. Spud was mortified to see not only that she had found him, but that she had even shaved her head so as to further emulate him. Spears even brought along a brown paper bag containing her long flowing locks that she forced into the tater's hand as a token of her obsessive love for him.
The tuber had to escape and disappeared into the crowd of paparazzi. Spud ran for his life, reaching his convertible just ahead of the psycho pop sensation. The tater tossed the bag of hair into the back seat and sped off down Broadway and out of the City.
Surely she would try to track him down, so Spud had to find a place where he would not be found. Someplace obscure. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere. He found just the place in Upstate New York - the little hamlet of Le Roy
The tiny town of 5000 residents was a perfect hideaway for Spud. Far away from the blinding flash bulbs and more importantly far away from Britney.
The tater had lots of time to mull about the village to see what it had to offer. Spud could not believe his luck when he discovered the town's secret: Le Roy was the birthplace of JELL-O.
Of course, the Chamber of Commerce was quick to captialize on this and had erected a museum dedicated to the popular gelatinous dessert. The tato was more than happy to cough up the admission to learn all about one of his favourite treats.
The museum recounted how, in the 1800s, the upper crust of society considered calf jelly to be a highly desired and refined gelatin-like dessert. The jelly was actually scrapings taken from a calf's hoof and then boiled. Spud shook his head in disbelief at the thought of 'toe-jam' being considered a delicacy. Be that as it may, calves jelly was very expensive and as such, the common folk were not able to partafke in the unique board of fare.
That is until unemployed Le Roy carpenter Pearl Wait developed a powder in the 1870s that produced a similair gelatin-like dessert, at a much cheaper price and without nasty errant side effects, like toenails...He coined his invention 'JELL-O" and the rest they say, is history.
As
Spud continued through the exhibit, Spud would learn other fascinating
facts about the use of the product over the years. In fact, a University,
with obviously too much funding from the private sector, performed a study
on an orb of lime JELL-O. The researchers hooked the JELL-O up to an EEG
machine and were startled to find that it measured notable activity. The
scientists compared the results with an actual human brain and found that
the activity was startlingly similar. The study did not reveal whose brain
it was, however Spud was certain that it must have been Britney's. That
is until he found out that the test was performed in 1976, when the pop
phenom was nothing more than a glint in her father's eye.
With all of this talk about brain activity, Spud's brain snapped into overdrive and he came up with a great idea to start rebuilding his travel budget.
The tater raced out to the car and grabbed the brown paper bag from the back seat. The tater reached in and grabbed a handful of Spear's hair.... EBAY! he shouted... and raced off back to his hotel room to set up his laptop and start listing her hair on the online auction site.
The idea proved to be very lucrative and bids came flooding in. Within days, Spud's bank account was overflowing once again!