Anyone
with a television knows the network airwaves have been choked with reality
shows over the last few years. The network execs love them as they have
ridiculously low overhead costs, the contestants love them as the shows
(unlike Jerry Springer and Maury), usually cast folks that live in homes
with foundations, and of course, the viewing public loves them because
people are generally entranced by watching the misfortune of others. With
millions of dollars up for grabs for the winners of these reality shows,
Spud wanted to get in on the action.
He had watched Survivor religiously since its first season and was convinced he had the strategy and the survival skills to kick butt, unfortunately though, his application was rejected as they only cast US Citizens. His geographic knowledge of the world and many of its cultures would make him a shoe-in to win The Amazing Race, but once again his application was rejected because of the Department of Agriculture prohibits the importation of tubers in too many of the countries he would have to travel to. Spud was starting to think that there was no way he was going to land himself on a show, when he tuned into the reality ratings king: American Idol. The potato watched in disbelief as the incredibly untalented William Hung karaoked an ear blistering rendition of "She Bangs" for the three judges. After being suitably lambasted by Simon Cowell, Hung went on to cut an album that debuted at #34 on the Billboard charts, ensuring enough cash and appearances to milk out a good solid 15 minutes of fame.
Inspired
by the seemingly low standards of the show's casting crew, Spud submitted
an application, but was once again rejected due to the fact that he wasn't
American, and therefore couldn't be an 'American' Idol. The rejection
notice came with a glimmer of hope though: an audition for the Canadian
counterpart of the show: Canadian Idol. Energized by the good news, Spud
raced to the heart of downtown Toronto to join the teeming masses of idol-hopefuls.
Spud felt this competition was going to be a lock. After all, when your country's barometer for measuring singing talent includes the likes of Neil Young, how can you lose?
Needless to say, the tater's confidence was at its zenith when his number was called to audition. He did not dissapoint either, launching into a riotous version of the Stompin Tom Connors classic "Ketchup loves Potatoes", which drew a standing ovation from the four judges: Farley Flex, Sass Jordan, Jake Gold and even Canada's version of Simon Cowell: Zack Werner. The foursome were quick to present Spud with an official ticket to appear as one of the finalists.
News
of the potato's riveting, high-energy performance spread like the scent
of B.O. in a crowded subway. Everyone across Canada was anticipating the
tater's debut on national television. Spud himself, could see his name
on marquees; headlining shows at major venues. He dreamt of the hordes
of groupies he'd have to fight off as they tossed their unmentionables
on stage and of long limousines filled with exotic vegetables from all
corners of the globe, all vying for his attention...It was all within
his grasp.
Then the big day came. Spud put on his coolest threads and adorned himself in sufficient bling bling. The tater slipped into CTV's television studio early to avoid the thousands of fans that soon collected outside the building.
There were 9 other perfomers that would share the Canadian Idol stage with the potato. Each had their own dream for success and stardom; a hope that Spud would do his best to systematically crush into a fine silt.
One by one the contestants took the stage and belted out their best, then stood before the four judges to be critiqued on their performance. Spud found it ironic to hear Sass Jordan tell some of them that their performance was lacklustre and had no range - obviously she has never heard herself sing...
Finally,
host Ben Mulroney announced Spud's name and the tater took the stage,
accompanied by thunderous applause from the studio audience. Ready to
raise the bar a few more notches, Spud busted into a heavy rap version
of 'Bud the Spud' which ignited the crowd; the like of which Eminem could
only dream about. Once again, the judges were awestruck. Zack was busy
trying to pick his chin up off the floor and Farley & Jake were trading
punches with each other as they fought to get a recording contract in
front of the crooning carbohydrate. In order to keep himself from getting
mashed in the ensuing melee, the tuber escaped to the green room.
A small time contract with Farley or Jake was not what Spud was looking for. He wanted a major label, because major labels bring major bucks. To land a major label, Spud would need to win the competition and beat out the other contestants. At this point, it wasn't the judges who made the final decision; it was the viewing public across Canada.
To win, the Canadian people would need to call into Canadian Idol's hotline and cast their vote his way. Still confident, Spud slipped out the back door of the studio under cover of night and journeyed home to await the results.
By
the time dawn broke, the headlines on the morning newspaper hinted at
the tuber's fate: While the potato had slept, unbenownst to him, the country
found itself in the midst of a collapse of the telecommunications industry.
The tater's performance had caused a tsunami of phone calls to the Canadian Idol hotline which critically overloaded the circuits at Bell Canada. The overload had a cascading effect, taking down lines and signals to key satellites which in turn caused a scrambling of cellular frequencies. Within an hour of the broadcast, the entire Canadian phone system had been brought to its knees.Seeing this as a good sign, Spud raced down to the CTV studios to get the results.
Executive producer John Brunton, cloaked by a group of stoic-faced henchmen in dark suits, met Spud at the door. Instead of presenting the tater with a multi million dollar recording contract, Brunton informed the tater that the Federal Government had stepped in and forced the network to disqualify Spud - citing that his impact on the country's phone system was a critical blow to homeland security.
Looks like the groupies and limos will have to wait...
Back
to Spud's Story
Touring
Ontario
White
Water Rafting
The Molson Indy
Spud enlists to fight in the war on
terrorism
The Rolling Stones at SPUD STOCK
Blackout!
Spud visits Cottage Country
Spud
leaves the Great White North!